Popular Jokes
Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?
Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man's face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway.
''What do you want?'' he asked.
''Do you have any tobacco?'' asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away.
''Go faster!'' said the passenger. ''I don't want to see him again!'' So the driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window
antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Two guys are in the woods camping out when a bear attacks them. While the bear sniffs around the food, the first guy starts lacing up his sneakers.
The second guys goes, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!"
The first guy replies, "I dont need to; I only have to outrun you."
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
-- Robert Orben
Yo momma is so fat that the last time she saw 90210 is when she stepped on the bathroom scale!
Seeing her son is still in bed, Mary goes to wake him up for school. When she wakes him up he says, "But I don't want to go to school mom."
Mary quite annoyed at this childlike behaviour says, "Well why not? You have to go."
The son replies, "But I don't like it. The kids are mean to me, the teachers hate me, and everyone makes fun of me."
Mary calmly replies, "I'm sorry son. But you MUST go to school!."
The son says, "But whyyyy?"
Mary annoyed at the delay says, "Because you're the damn principal!"
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