Knock Knock Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acid down and be quiet!

When I walk the dogs, I take a handful of black plastic bags, since the local council requires us to 'clear up after our dogs' or face a stiff fine. This being the wild blackberry season, I use a spare (clean!) one to hold the blackberries I pick on the way. Coming off the hill, I passed an American visitor, who said something, looking at the bulging bag. "I'm taking them home for supper - they're delicious with cream," I said. She turned white. Some minutes later I worked out that she had said that the dog-waste bin was just round the corner. If I see her again, I must invite her to supper.

Q: What's the worst time to be a rat or a mouse? A: When it's raining cats and dogs!

Knock-Knock, Who's there? Alarm. Alarm who? Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!

Two men were riding on a train. One of them had a bottle in his coat pocket, and the other one wanted it. Finally the train went through a dark tunnel and the man was able to take the bottle out and drink up all the "whisky" inside of it. Then he put it back into the other man's pocket. When the train came out of the tunnel, the man who owned the bottle took it out of his pocket, opened it up, and spit into it.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? WELL HUNG

You are a redneck if: Your shotgun is named after your girlfriend.

You are a redneck if: You've ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer.

You are a redneck if: you've ever gotten a headache reading the newspaper.

Knock-Knock. Who's there? Accordion. Accordion who? Accordion to the t.v., it's going to be cold out.

While on a game show, Justins had to identify a number of sounds. When she heard this: *laughter then plop, plop, plop* she identified it correctly right away. What did she say? An audience laughing it's head off