A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already. The bartender says, "If you say you paid I believe you." The man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't. The co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill. The co-worker says, "But I've paid already." The bartender says, "Well I guess you could of. I believe you." The co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar. The friend goes in the bar and dr

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, is never lazy. He's always hard at work in his cubicle. Bob is always working independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees. He is great. His assignments are always on time, never late. You should hire him. Often, Bob skips his coffee breaks to compelte his work. He has worked dillegently. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as worthy employee, and cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob should be promoted, and a proposal

A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, "Hello?" "Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." "Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently asked the chil

Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"

Darn those pushy metric system advocates! Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!

You're so stupid, you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

A bear and a rabbit are walking together and they find a magic lamp. They decide to rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "Thank you for releasing me I will give you both 3 wishes." The bear thinks and says, "I wish all the other bears in this forest were lady bears." Then the rabbit says, "I wish for a little motorcycle that is perfect for me." The genie grants both wishes. Then the bear decides his second will be for all the bears in the country besides him to be female The rabbit wishes for a little helmet that fits his head and has holes for his ears. Then the bear says, "Why not have all the bears in the world be girls." Then the rabbit, thinking quickly, says, "I

How did the redneck die drinking milk? The cow sat on him!

Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was attempting to cross it when yo mamma got hungry.

A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured. At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, "His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating." The sister replies, "Oh no! We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"