Yo Mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said "I didn't know an animal had escaped."

How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. What will be her response? "Is it mine?"

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important." Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer!' and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.' The priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this warning... "Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is sma

Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says "What have you done bad in your life son". The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother." The priest says,"Take one sip of holy water." The second boys goes up to the priest and the priest asks, "What have you done bad in your life son?" The boy responds with, "I've stolen something". The priest says "Take two sips of holy water." After every sip the third boy is laughing his head off. So the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son" The boy responds with, "I peed in the holy water."

The true meanings of some common male phrases: "I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "It's a guy thing." Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, is never lazy. He's always hard at work in his cubicle. Bob is always working independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees. He is great. His assignments are always on time, never late. You should hire him. Often, Bob skips his coffee breaks to compelte his work. He has worked dillegently. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as worthy employee, and cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob should be promoted, and a proposal

A little girl and her mother were out and about when, out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, fr

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition," the doctor told his patient. "We're going to put you in an isolation unit, where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza." "Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" "No," replied the doctor. "They're the only things we can slip under the door."

How many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?