One day a priest had a doctor's appointment and needed someone to cover for him at the confessional, so he calls over an old school chum of his who happens to be a rabbi. The rabbi had no idea what to do but agreed to cover for the priest. The priest needed to show the rabbi how everything worked, so when the first person came in the priest said, "What is your sin my son?" The man said "I've commited adultery." The priest asks, "How many times?" The man says, "3 times." The priest replies, "Do 10 Hail Marys, then put $5 in the donation box." Then the second man comes in and says he committed adultery also. When asked how many times he said 3. The priest replied again, "Do 10 Hail Marys then

Sign at an office kitchen: After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began. "ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? "It's running down my leg."

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and thre

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

Yo Momma so dirty she has to sneak up on the water

Knock Knock! Who's there? Little boy blue. Little Boy Blue who? Micheal Jackson!!!!!

- "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'" - "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!" - "Nice Asimov." - "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody." - "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!" - "I'm the droid you're looking for." - "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears." - "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft." - "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'" - "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"

What you call a man with no arms and no legs at a work-out place? Jim What you call a man with no arms and no legs at your door? Matt What you call a man with no arms and no legs in your bathroom? John What you call a man with no arms and no legs in a trench? Phil What you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pit? Doug What you call a man with no arms and no legs with a cat? Tom What you call a girl with one leg? Ilene What you call a Japanese girl with one leg? Irene What do you call a pig with no legs? Groundhog

Rainch - A big cow farm. Rat - Do it rat now! Rench - Rench the soap yourself. Roont - She plum roont her shoes. Salary - A stringy vegetable. Soardeens - Small canned fish. Shar - A light rain. Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain. Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody. Pop - A soft drink. Sprang - Water out'n the ground. Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail. Storch - This here aprn has too much storch in it. Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death. Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart. Tho - Tho me the ball. Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat. War - A bobbed war fance. Worsh - Go worsh your face. Warter - What you worsh your face in. Yurp - A continent overseas.

One day at Lee Elementary in the 1st grade hallway a little boy named Chris(kid #2 from my spoiled brat joke) and another child name sarah are walking down the hall way. (sarah and chris bump into each other) sarah:watch it doo doo head. chris:you watch it cootie pants. sarah:who are you calling cootie pants,freckle face. chris:you,little miss bucktooth. sarah:well you're nothing but a ugly butt. chris:why don't you shut the hell up you god damn mother fucking bitch ass whore.

MORNING WOOD! Get ready... this is quite possibly one of the funniest true stories I've read in a long while! No matter how many times I read it, I still can't keep the tears away! I caution the weak of heart before reading today's joke - you know who you are - so you might as well hit the "delete" key now... (The author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom): Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around, just so I'll mak