Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bore

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

An engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were on their way to a tech conference on the other side of the mountains. Half way down the other side, the brakes gave out, and the engineer steered for all his life to keep the car from going clean off the edge. It was at the last second, skidding sideways towards doom, that the car finally stopped. One tire dropped over the edge. The three sprang from the car, shaking and panting. The engineer was the first to speak. "We could have been killed! I would like to get under the car and see just what happened to those brakes. Something has to be fixed." The systems analyst agreed. "Yes, but I'd like to see the design blueprints. We could f

In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General. "I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced. In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter. Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Go

The Declarizzle of Independence of tha Thirteen Colonies In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776 The unanimous Declarizzles of tha thirteen united States of America, W-H-to-tha-izzen in tha Course of human events, it becomes necessary fo` one thugz ta Dissolve tha politizzles bands which hizzle connected thizzem wit motherfucka n ta Assume among tha powa of tha earth, tha separate n equal station ta whizzay The Laws of Nature n of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect ta tha Opinions of mankind requires that tizzle should declare tha causes which impel Them ta tha separizzles. We hold these truths ta be self-evizzles that all men is created equal, that They is endowed by they Creator wit cert

"Did you hear that TGI Fridays is opening a new restaurant?" "Yeah, it's called WTF Mondays."

How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. What will be her response? "Is it mine?"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did." The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had don

Q: How many management information services guys does it take to change a light bulb? A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to the light bulb issue.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

File description: This high school math exam gives you insight into life in a crime-filled society. City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam Name:____________________ Gang:________________________ 1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off; go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."