Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A: A sweater with pockets

An engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were on their way to a tech conference on the other side of the mountains. Half way down the other side, the brakes gave out, and the engineer steered for all his life to keep the car from going clean off the edge. It was at the last second, skidding sideways towards doom, that the car finally stopped. One tire dropped over the edge. The three sprang from the car, shaking and panting. The engineer was the first to speak. "We could have been killed! I would like to get under the car and see just what happened to those brakes. Something has to be fixed." The systems analyst agreed. "Yes, but I'd like to see the design blueprints. We could f

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless th

Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side; impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over. "That was quite a leap," she remarked. "Want to go somewhere and cuddle?" "Afraid not," said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. "The fence was higher than I thought."

File description: This high school math exam gives you insight into life in a crime-filled society. City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam Name:____________________ Gang:________________________ 1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each

This Is A True Senior's Moment: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Oh, yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. It is illegal to d

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay de

These are real labelings on real products that they sell around the world. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a SUGGESTION.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Hmm, a no go on the dessert) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Really? I thought it would be cold) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Oh darn, I was going to!) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (That would really brin

People from Mensa are said to understand any jokes without the need of any explaination. Meaning Mensans will be able to understand this joke here, though it is limpid that there aren't any to be contemplated.

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers: * Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High". * Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! * Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. * The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. * The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

Sign at an office kitchen: After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.