Popular Jokes
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- Contralto is a low sort of mus
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
Feeling the Baby Move
First child: I placed my hand on my wife's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hour after hour I waited until that magic moment when I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
Second child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.
Third child: She told
A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" he said.
"That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"
The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright."
This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?"
The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
Lipstick; (noun)
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya?
But I just brushed my teeth . . .
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
Did I remember to take my pill?
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow . . .
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
You're almost as good as my ex!
Now I know why he/she dumped you . . .
What are you planning to make
If your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
What is the difference between a chicken?
Neither can ride a bicycle.
Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?
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