Popular Jokes
What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush!
Q - Why is there a big "E" on top of the standard eye chart at the optometrist's office?
A - The reason is if there was a big "O" on the chart women would lie about seeing it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If I can use technology, why can't you?
The sky is blue, the grass is green, why is your brain as small as a lima bean?
Your humorous, funny, have OCD, How come you can't use technology without me?
I love you, I love you, I really do, but roses are red and violets are blue.
-Knock Knock!
-Who's there?
-You know.
-You know who?
-Thats right, avada kedavra!
Holiday Banana Bread:
Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana
Instructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased - check with middle finger.
4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief. When banana is soft, bread is done!
6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl." NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.
Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.
During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.
After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.
Mideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someon
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do t
CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN:
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your undies up in the toilets.
3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight.
4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like GAIL from Coronation Street than the sex pot you were just 4 hours ago.
5. You drop your 3 a.m. chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them up & carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to nerdy gimp from payroll.
9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples who
Do you know what to say when someone is trying to roast you?
"Sorry, but my brain doesn't interpret stupid."
Home
