Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?" Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!"

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. "You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to

In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.

How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? They wouldn't, they might brake a nail!

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Browns nor the Steelers made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on a cold freezing day on Lake Erie they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers had 100. At the end of the 2nd day the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers 200. That evening the Browns coach

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

The following event actually happened to a famous basketball coach. "When I first got a job as La Salle University's basketball coach, the phone rang and my wife told me it was Sports Illustrated. I cut myself shaving and fell down the steps in my rush to get the phone. When I got there, a voice on the other end said, 'For just 75 cents an issue...'"

The closest you've ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle!

Announcer, at a diving competition: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have both good and bad news to announce. The good news is that the dive just performed was fantastic and the judges have managed to give it a full score of ten. The bad news is... there was no water in the pool."

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up." The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg. Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks, "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?" The farmer says, "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a

Oscar got to the broken down inn and asked for a room. "I have only one room left," said the innkeeper, "But before I give it to you, I must tell you that room is where the white-eyed ghost lives." Oscar wasn't worried. "I'll take the room," he said, "I'm not afraid of ghosts." That night, when Oscar went to bed, a scary voice said, "Boooo! I am the white-eyed ghost...." "Shut up!" Oscar said, "i'm tired!" "Boooooo" the ghost said again, "I am the white-eyed ghost!" Oscar sat up, reached over, picked up a chair and threw it at the ghost, who disappeared. Oscar lay down again and shut his eyes. "Boooooo!" moaned the voice from the darkness, "I am the black-eyed ghost...."

Did you ever have to fart, on a bus, or an airplane, or in some public place, but hadn't been farting all that day? So you didn't really know the nature of the beast, you only knew there was LOTS of it! In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly, and in a careful, controlled manner, about 10 to 15 percent of the total fart in order to determine if those around you can handle it! Or if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency! When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of refuge such as reaching for a magazine. "Sayyy, is that Golf Digest?" *FART!* You think, "Ah, that was