A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper. Back in the living room, a note read: Dear Honey, I have gone shopping for a little while. Sorry if I left the house a little messy. I don't know when I'll be back. After reading the note, he calls her. "Where are the couch, TV, and coffee machine?" "Uhh, that's a funny story." She hangs up, and their 23-year old son walks in. "Austin! Where is my wife?" "Oh, that. You drank like crazy and fell asleep. When she was pulling you back to bed, you woke up, punched her, spun her around in the

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? call 1-800-***-****. 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya? But I just brushed my teeth . . . Smile, you're on Candid Camera! Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? But my cat always sleeps on that pillow . . . Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? You're almost as good as my ex! Now I know why he/she dumped you . . . What are you planning to make

If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's feet.

Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?

3 year old kid: "Guess what? Daddy got you a pway-station!" 7 year old kid: "Really??!! Where is it?" 3 year old: "It's in p-one mile!"

Did you hear about the blonde that... Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C". Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh? -Meat

What is it called when your pet snake doesn't feel right? -reptile dysfunction.

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man's face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway. ''What do you want?'' he asked. ''Do you have any tobacco?'' asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away. ''Go faster!'' said the passenger. ''I don't want to see him again!'' So the driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window

antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.