One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

Eat right, stay fit, die anyway!

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse". The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." "I will connect you with the nursing station." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back a

Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."

Once a blond police officer stopped a man and asked for his driving license. She saw it and told the man "it says here that you must wear glasses" The man said "I have contacts" The blond said "I don't care who you know, you are still getting a traffic ticket"

Girls are in the shower for at least an hour. Incredibly guys can take a shower in 5 minutes. Very beautiful girls are seldom intelligent. Even blond guys have some brains. Married women marry hoping their guy will change. Every man marries hoping their wife wont change. Pretty girls can usually get what they want. Unlike good looking guys who still have to suffer. Some girls are actually great relationship material. Some guys cant find those girls.

Here is a short story to show you that the stodgy air traffic controllers and the flyers they serve can have a sense of humor: The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

Soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year. When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one." American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom. Clinton is d

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. ** At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. ** I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a fla