An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office. "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" the elderly woman asked. The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" "I have $40,000 in my sav

1. knock knock, who's there? Ima, Ima who? Ima hungry can we eat yet? 2. knock knock, who's there? peas, peas who? peas can we start know 3. knock knock, who's there? phil, phil who? phil my cup up with water please

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!! All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize. Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces

1 A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'." 2 A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?" 3 A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer popped out of the machine. She set it on the ground, put sixty more cents into th

If we quit voting, will they all go away? It's been lovely but I have to scream now I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere Boldly going nowhere Don't be sexist -- broads hate that Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?

Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other egg replies, "Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!"

When all the national leaders met with Bush... Germans make your candy, said Germany's leader, We abuse it, said Bush. Holland makes your remotes, said Holland's leader We'd die without those, said Bush. Italy and Mexico bring in great food, said Mexico & Italy, We stuff ourselves with it, said Bush. Japan makes your video games, said Japan's leader; Our kids and dads love it, said Bush. China makes all the rest, said China's leader, Bush said, AMEN. WHAT DO YOU MAKE? said all but Bush, Bush took them to a farm, He took them to a sleping bull. The bull had a turd next to it. It said "Made in America", Bush told them America makes bull****

Remember when ram meant just a male sheep And bugs and worms were just things that creep? When a gopher and a mouse were li'l critters And virus were microbes that gave one the shivers? When a web was a sticky net that housed a spider And nets were just strings all woven together? When surfing was just riding an ocean wave And a slip was dodging trouble with a close shave? When a mime was a painted-face animated mute clown And hackers were people who slashed things down? When menus and servers were all about eating And addresses and homes were places for living? When Archie and Veronica were actually people And trolls were pests that were considered mythical? When mud was just slime an

Dubya Quotes "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived

A blonde went to see her doctor for her annual checkup so the doctor gave her the once over. At the end of the checkup he shone a light in her ear to have a look; amazed, he shook his head and walked away. See below what the doctor had seen. A big sign SPACE FOR RENT.

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. H