Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

Vegetable: "Hey, lets get married." Fruit: "I'm sorry." Vegetable: "We could secretly get married." Fruit: "No, we couldn't." Vegetable: "Why?" Fruit: "Because we can't elope." Can't elope = cantelope

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $50 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers.... we had $100 when we broke in!"

Which fish is the most valuable in the sea? A goldfish.

What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on vacation? "GO SCREW YOURSELF!"

24 Signs that You're Getting OLD ---------------------------------------------------------- 1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do. 3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck. 5. You are proud of your lawn mower. 6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws. 7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 8. You sing along with the elevator music. 9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to ru

Kock-knock. Who's there? Please. Please who? It's the police! Open the door!

What do you call a black woman with braces? A Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker. Hear about the new deodorant called "Umpire"? It's for foul balls. How do you circumcise a whale? Fore-skin divers. What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian? A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand. Why don't they use the 911 system in Poland? Polacks can't find the 'eleven' on the telephone dial. What do Polish women do when they're done sucking cock? Spit out the feathers. Why aren't cowboys circumcised? They need someplace to keep their Skoal while they eat lunch. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead! How do you make a baby float? One root b

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog. Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.