Q - Why is there a big "E" on top of the standard eye chart at the optometrist's office? A - The reason is if there was a big "O" on the chart women would lie about seeing it.

Roses are red, violets are blue, If I can use technology, why can't you? The sky is blue, the grass is green, why is your brain as small as a lima bean? Your humorous, funny, have OCD, How come you can't use technology without me? I love you, I love you, I really do, but roses are red and violets are blue.

-Knock Knock! -Who's there? -You know. -You know who? -Thats right, avada kedavra!

Kurt and Megan (a blonde) were bored in math class and one day when they decided to play "The Calculator Game". I'm sure many people reading this remember it - it's the one where you enter "1 + 1 =" into your calculator and continue pressing the "=" sign. The goal is to see who can get to the highest number while the math teacher is talking. Bring back any memories? Anyways, Kurt and Megan waited until the teacher started talking, and the contest was on! Fingers were pushing the "=" sign like mad. A hour and a half later, Kurt and Megan compared results. Kurt showed his number: 5,318,008. Megan said, "I don't get it. I was feeling so clever and I thought I'd play a trick on you, but

Yo momma's head so small, she use a tea-bag as a pillow. Yo momma's head so small, she got her ear pierced and died.

Why has Edward Woodward got 4 d's in his name? If he hadn't he would be Ewar Woowar!

Hey, did you hear about the... Paper company that folded? Brake company on the skids? Bra manufacturers that went bust? Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary? Cigarette company that went up in smoke? Baker who was short of dough? Refrigerator manufacturer that had its assets frozen? Corset firm that felt the squeeze? Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs? Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation? Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court? Downfall of the bungee suppliers? The train company that went off the rails? The ship building company that sunk? The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?

CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN: 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your undies up in the toilets. 3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight. 4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like GAIL from Coronation Street than the sex pot you were just 4 hours ago. 5. You drop your 3 a.m. chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them up & carry on eating. 6. You start crying. 7. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper side to nerdy gimp from payroll. 9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on

Room service? Send up a larger room. Who are you going to believe; me, or your own eyes? A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Who is the ugliest member of wocka? [Name Removed - This joke offends some users - Joke awaiting deletion]

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. - Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." - Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman People are always asking couples who

To keep your marriage brimming With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash