A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What happened?" The guy replies, "I just found out my younger brother is gay." He finish's his shots and leaves. The next day he comes back and orders five shots and the bartender asks, " What happened this time?" The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay and I always looked up to him." The man finish's his shots and leaves. The next day he comes back and orders twelve shots. The bartender says, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man replies, " Yea, my mom."

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not! Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

9. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 8. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY. 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies - you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live unde

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Navy dentist's licence plate: TOP GUM

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest w

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy. ''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours. Instead, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He almost died!'' ''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours. Instead she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!'' All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway. ''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam," he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. Aft

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, a golden rat interested him and he went to purchase it. "That'll be $20 for the rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the shop owner. "Thanks, but I'll just take the rat for $20 and leave the story". He bought the golden rat and left the store. While walking down the street, he saw all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, even more rats came. He went down to the docks and still more rats ran out and followed him. So he walked out into the water, and all the rats drowned. He returned to the curio store soon after. "Sooo," said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, I thought so!" "No