Popular Jokes
One day Jack's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son, why are you late from school?" Jack answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today."
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.
His dad told him that the robot was special in that it could detect a lie, and would then slap the person who lied.
"Now, come on, tell me the truth. Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to see a movie."
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments."
Splat, Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No, Dad, honest I went to see the
A blonde and her husband go to buy her new clothes. First, they decide she needs a new shirt, so they go through a few shirts but she rejects them all. Finally she points at one that she likes, but he thinks it is ugly, so he says no. They go through almost the whole store, and she says no to all of the shirts. Bored and annoyed, the husband finally goes up to the shirt she likes and generously "Fine, do you want this polo shirt?" The wife thinks for a few seconds and says "Oh, it's Apollo shirt? In that case no, I'm really not into mythology."
Teacher: Jackie, please use the word "climate" in a sentence
please.
Jackie: Sure, I have a cherry tree in my backyard, but my parents won't let me "climate"
Teacher: That's correct!
Teacher: Now, Luis use the word "arrest" in a sentence.
Luis: Sure, after running a mile I need "arrest"
Excuse Notes from Parents ...
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's faul
This is a collection of a few of the Redneck lines I've heard (and can remember) over the years . . .
You know you're a redneck when:
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
Your wife weighs more than your refrigerator.
Your shopping list only has beer on it.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
Your "pet" eats more than y
Two mice were waiting for the right time to get out of their mouse hole, because a cat was meowing on the other side. After a few minutes, the meowing stopped and was replaced by the "woof, woof!" of a dog. Thinking it was okay to come out, the mice crawled out of their hole and were pounced on by the cat. After its meal, the cat said, "I always knew learning a second language would come in handy."
An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends."
Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General.
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