Joe:Why did the cow cross the road? Bob:The chicken quit. Joe:why did the chicken quit? Bob: He wanted a job that would give him more buck-buck-bucks. Joe: Hey! Why is why is that duck crossing the road? Bob: I don't know. Maybe the cow qu- Hey! Why am I talking to you? I don't even know you! Joe: Why don't you kno- Bob: Shut up!

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

1. Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America . . . do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America . . . do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America .

Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster. SM: It is not working. SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this ra

3 men die in a car crash and are sent to the pearly gates. Having all lived good lives, they were all allowed in but they had certain restrictions. God told them that he would ask them a question. They should answer truthfully and depending on how they answer they will receive a home and a vehicle. God asked the first man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The man said, "None. Never once." God says, "Good. For being faithful you get a mansion and a stretch limo with a chaffeur." Then God asks the second man how many times he's cheated. The man says, "Only twice." God says, "That is bad but at least you lived the rest of your life well. Have a 2 story house and a nice SUV." Then

3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven. At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral. The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer." The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives." The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"

In your next life would you rather be a female bear? If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. Could you deal with that? Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. Could you deal with that too? If you're a bear, you give birth to your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. Could you deal with that? If you're a mumma bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. Could you deal with that? If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have ha

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son. The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room people call him 'Father." The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace." The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My son is a Cardinal! When he walks into a room people say, 'My Eminence." The fourth woman says nothing but sips her tea quietly. The three women stare at her and then ask her what is so special about her son. With a smug look on her face she replies, "My son is a 6' 5" muscular

FAMOUS LAST WORDS "One sec, I've got to go the bathroom!" :) "It doesn't hurt... that... bad..." "This stuff works just as well!" "It looks like it's coming right towards us!" "Here, let me handle this, forget the cops!" "I read this in a 'how-to' magazine once." "No I'm not a skydiver, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night." "Proper equipment is for rich people." "I don't know. Let's find out!" "I did it in a video game last night." "Did you hear that? Sounded like something big. Where's that flashlight?" And finally... "OH SHIT!!!!"

Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What happened?" The guy replies, "I just found out my younger brother is gay." He finish's his shots and leaves. The next day he comes back and orders five shots and the bartender asks, " What happened this time?" The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay and I always looked up to him." The man finish's his shots and leaves. The next day he comes back and orders twelve shots. The bartender says, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man replies, " Yea, my mom."