Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Knock-knock.. Who's there? Panther.... Panther who? Panth-er no panth I'm goin' thwimmin'!

You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When... People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale". Four generations of the same family sit together in worship. Baptism is referred to as "branding". People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, yah hear?"

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

Bernard, a 72 year old, is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah, his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. Bernard returns home, and Sarah says, "So? What did the doctor say?" "The doctor says I got a flucky." "Oh, heavens! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?" "I don't know - he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time Sarah is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours, "My Bernard was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!" Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied ice. Ice is the best thing for a flucky." Neighbour #2 says,

Can you decipher this phrase? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2 Mistletoe! (Miss L two.)

Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby! Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth. Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts? I hope you're ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes. If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball. That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner? When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar. You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment. This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy. Oops!

At the end of a hard year's work, Bobby decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean cruise. The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity - the ship sinks and Bobby ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts. Still, these are better than starving to death. Ten weeks later, as he is sitting in the shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets out, walks over to him and says, "Hi." He can't believe his luck. He replies, "Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here? What's your name?"

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey, koala! What are you doing?" The koala said, "Smoking a joint - come up and have some," so the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala, where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while, the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped to the river bank. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sit

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? To "lay it on the line".

An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day when the husband said: "Whenever I get at mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?" "I just go and clean the toilet," his wife replied. "How does that help?" asked her husband. "I use your toothbrush."

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"