A blonde walked in a library and went to the librarian, pulls out a thick book and started screaming at her. She yells, "THIS BOOK IS HORRIBLE! THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS AND NO PLOT WHATSOEVER!" The librarian stares at her, then calmly replies, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I have." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

How do you keep a Rhino from charging? Take away its credit card.

Yo Momma is so dumb she had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS "One sec, I've got to go the bathroom!" :) "It doesn't hurt... that... bad..." "This stuff works just as well!" "It looks like it's coming right towards us!" "Here, let me handle this, forget the cops!" "I read this in a 'how-to' magazine once." "No I'm not a skydiver, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night." "Proper equipment is for rich people." "I don't know. Let's find out!" "I did it in a video game last night." "Did you hear that? Sounded like something big. Where's that flashlight?" And finally... "OH SHIT!!!!"

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: "Call it a day."

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says "Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper stops and says "Really? You have a drink called Steve?"

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They have spelt MACY'S wrong!"

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, church members, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..." The Pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence; everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at ea