The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me." "Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied Andy. "Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered Andy. "Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked. "A jack!" replied Andy.

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What, are you crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

What does the dentist of the year get? ..A little plaque.

How did the parasite cross the road? It hopped on the chicken!

The Godfather was dying. He summoned one of his godsons and said softly, "Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor." "Yes, godfather, anything," said Mikey. "I worship you." The old man's eyes narrowed. "I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate." The lad looked around uneasily. "I dunno, boss. That's kinda embarrassing." "Who raised you as if you were my own?" demanded the Godfather. "This one thing you can't do for me?" The young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, "One more request?" "Sure, godfather, anything," said Mikey. "Do it again!" "What? I just did it," protested Mikey. "Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you

Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds. He stopped at a house to ask for his monthly fee, only to find a small boy at the door slurping from a beer bottle, smoking a Havana cigar, and with his arm around what appeared to be a call-girl. Surprised, the milkman asked the boy if his parents were home. "Does it fucking look like it?"

In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle. Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing"

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets. "Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked. "For my pet chicken," he said, pointing to the bird. "I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater." The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down. The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out. The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Ama

The economy is so bad. . . if the bank returns your check marked ''Insufficient Funds,'' you call them and ask if they meant you or them. The economy is so bad. . . a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

"What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?" "Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism - from one grandfather to another."

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile . . . 1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 4. No one knows your secret place. 5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world." 6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the fac

Imagine that you are on an adventure in a jungle with your best friend. Your friend gets bitten (on his manhood) by a poisonous snake while he was peeing. There isn't a hospital for hundreds of miles. The question is, will you SUCK the poison out or will you just watch him die?