Two guys are sitting there enjoying the Saturday night baseball game. It is the top of the 2nd inning when suddenly they notice two Nuns arrive at the game. Lo and behold the Nuns enter the row in front of them and make there way along, of course sitting directly in front of them. Well, their disgust was overwhelming... Nuns... at a baseball match!!! One of them immediately comes out with the comment "Go to a basketball game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?". A little while on, the other of the two comments "Go to a football game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?". Again, not more than five minutes later, the first one mentions "Go to a Ice Hockey game, you wouldn'

TEXAS SALESMAN - A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job." You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.64." Boss says "$101,237.64? What the heck did you sell?" Th

A young child walks into a corner store and picks up a big box of laundry detergent. The storekeep trying to be friendly says, "Got a lot of laundry to do?" The boy says, "Haha no. I'm actually going to go wash my dog with it." The storekeep says, "Son, that stuff is very powerful. If you use it to wash your dog the dog might become sick or even die!" The boy replies, "Don't worry, he'll be fine." And the boy leaves. The next day the boy returns to buy some candy. The storekeep asks the boy about his dog and how the washing went. The boy replies sadly, "He died..." The storekeep says as gently as he can, "I'm sorry son. But I warned you this might happen if you wash the dog with detergent."

Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is wh

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Two drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says "Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper stops and says "Really? You have a drink called Steve?"

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt m

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The idiots we have today. They're so stupid they make turkeys seem smart. They even make sponges seem smarter.