Why did the blonde dance in front of the traffic light? Because she thought she was in a disco.

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness" Why do they say that? I looked it up in the dictionary, "goggles" is next to "godliness"; cleanliness is next to claustrophobia.

Just when you find something you really like, they stop making it.

In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of deep. And the Devil said, 'It doesn't get any better than this.' And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit And God populated earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So MAN and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And so the Devil created Fast Food Giants. And Fast Food Giants brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger. And Devil said to Man, 'You want fries with that?' And Man said, 'Super-size them.' And

My brother, Julian, is a little simple. I recently asked him to buy me some ribbon for my daughter's pretty pink bonnet. He went to the haberdashery shop for the required length but accidentally interchanged the feet and inches. When I measured the resulting ribbon I only had 30% of the length I required. How much ribbon did I originally ask for? I asked for 9 foot 2 inches (110 inches) and my brother brought me 2 foot 9 inches (33 inches).

Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce. "Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets. "Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked. "For my pet chicken," he said, pointing to the bird. "I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater." The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down. The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out. The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Ama

An elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.

Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath? A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane.

One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water, trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped in, and after a struggle, managed to bring it out alive. A passer-by who saw this remarked, "That was very brave of you! You must love animals; are you a vet?" Rabbi Bloom replied, "And vhat did you expect? Of course I'm a–vet! I'm a–freezing cold as vell!"

"Sarah, how's that boy of yours?" "David? Ach, don't ask - he's living in Miami with a man named Miguel" "That's terrible!" "I know - why couldn't he find a nice Jewish boy?"