Did you ever have to fart, on a bus, or an airplane, or in some public place, but hadn't been farting all that day? So you didn't really know the nature of the beast, you only knew there was LOTS of it! In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly, and in a careful, controlled manner, about 10 to 15 percent of the total fart in order to determine if those around you can handle it! Or if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency! When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of refuge such as reaching for a magazine. "Sayyy, is that Golf Digest?" *FART!* You think, "Ah, that was

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst i

Q: What do you do when your nose goes on strike? A: Pick it.

Liberals want to solve the marijuana problem by making it legal. Conservatives want to solve the wife-beating problem by making it legal. Liberals want to strike down all abortion laws, so that unwanted babies can be killed off before they're born. Conservatives want to strike down the welfare laws, so that unwanted babies can be starved to death after they're born. The conservative would prevent rape by locking up his wife and daughters. The liberal would prevent rape by legalizing prostitution. Neither considers locking up rapists, because the liberal says it's society's fault and the conservative says it costs too much money.

Knock-Knock Who's there? Apricot. Apricot who? Apricot my key, open up!

Yo mama is so fat, when someone wants to shake her hand she has to give directions!

Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don't have a leg to stand on!

If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change? An adadictomy (add-a-dick-to-me)

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

What's gross? Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon. What's grosser than that? Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar. What's grosser than that? When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face. You want to know what's grosser than that? When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner. But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.