Popular Jokes
A wealthy Australian man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company.
One day, the Dingo starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poop now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halt
One day a secretary noticed her boss's fly was open.
Not wanting to embarrass him, she whispers in his ear, "Your barracks are open, and your soldier is saluting at the gates."
The man, realizing what she means, decides to have some fun and says, "Do you see the colonel standing to attention?"
She whispers back, "No; all I see is a veteran sitting on his two duffel bags."
Why is it that when we talk to God we call it
praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we're all down here...."
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
What's the difference between men and women?
Women zoom with a camera by walking closer or farther away; men just push the button!
"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor.
"He went twice!"
The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant..
I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador Retriever.
Overheard in a doctor's waiting room:
"My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."
HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window
5. Hocks a loogie
6. Pulls up to a 7 -11
7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Driv
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