Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why is it that when we talk to God we call it praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin

I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

Famous Last Words: "The gun isn't loaded, ok?" "Yes, I double checked." "This fuse should give us plenty of time." "I don't think he has a gun." "This is a very safe neighborhood!" "I am 100% sure of the blast radius."

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males) 1. Elementary map reading 2. Crying and law enforcement 3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR 4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours 5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast. 6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.") 7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions 8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights 9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed 10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water 11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament 12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love y

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Joe replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" Joe replies. At this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?" Joe looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do wit

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch, when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

The captain called the sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh, by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the captain called the sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful next time?" "Yes, sir," answered

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."