Popular Jokes
There was an foreign man who knew a little english and lived in a hotel. One day he told the waitress "I wanta fuck" the waitress said "what!!!" I wanta fuck, I wanta fuck on the table." The waitress answered and said "you better not you son of a bitch" so the waitress left mad and never gave him a fork. The next day he went to the manager and said "I wanta shit" the manager said "what!!!" "I wanta shit, I wanta shit on my bed" the manager answered "you better not you son of a bitch" and he never got the sheet he wanted.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
Because it was a double-crosser.
Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
To take over the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the beach?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
These are phrases found on funny T-shirts:
*(camoflauge) Ha! Now you can't see me!
* He did it -->
*The leprechauns are after my stash.
*I do what the voices tell me to do...
*Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?
*See no homework, Speak no homework, Hear no homework, DO NO HOMEWORK.
*I bet you were an ugly baby.
*(Picture of Simpsons on it) I see dumb people...
*I didn't do it.
*(Scribbles all over it) Don't drink and draw.
*(Picture of skunk) Silent but deadly...
*He farted -->
*(Picture of gas station) I have gas!
*(Squirrels) Protect your nuts.
*I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
*Help! I talk too much!
*(Upside down) If you can read this, please send me
Q. What are the strongest days of the week?
A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.
Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown costume!
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off!
Q: What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A: A baby with a punctured lung!
Q: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
A: Fucked!
Q: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor!
Q: What do you call a dead baby and 6 week old bread?
A: A Big Mac!
Q: How do you make a man pregnant?
A: Stick a dead baby up his ass!
Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house?
A: Depends how hard you throw them!
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