Yo Momma's so ugly, the neighborhood kids dressed up as her for Halloween.

How Men Are Like Dogs * Both take up too much space on the bed * Both have irrational fears about vacuuming * Neither tells you what's bothering him * Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut * Neither understands what you see in cats

Why should you look out for a pig that knows karate? It might give you a pork chop!

THIS WAS REAL! My brother and his friend went out to eat at a restaurant. The restaurant was packed so they had to wait. The waitress then asked them for a name so she could call them when their table was ready. My brother's friend decided to give her a fake name. So then my brother and his friend were waiting. When it they were finally called, this is what could be heard throughout the whole entire restaurant, "Balz, party of two!"

California • A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits. • Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. • A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash. • Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. • A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol. • Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a b

The Reverend Paul Fuzz was the pastor of a small congregation in a little town. One day, as he was walking down Main Street, he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking. He felt this was very sinful and definitely not something a member of his congregation should do. He entered the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Thomson," the Reverend said sternly, "this is no place for a member of my congregation to be. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Okay," slurred the very drunk woman. When Mrs. Thomson stood up, she began to weave back and forth. Realizing she had had far too much to drink, the Reverend grabbed her arms to steady her. Wh

One day, two children are bickering on the playground. Kid 1: My mom says that kids who get whatever they want are spoiled and rotten and stuck-up. Kid 2: Well, I'm not spoiled. Kid 1: Yeah, you are, you get everything you want. Kid 2: I don't get everything I want. Kid 1: Yeah, you do. Kid 2: No, I don't, because I "want" you to shut-up!

Wife: One more word, and I will go back to my mother! Husband: Taxi!

A blonde and her husband go to buy her new clothes. First, they decide she needs a new shirt, so they go through a few shirts but she rejects them all. Finally she points at one that she likes, but he thinks it is ugly, so he says no. They go through almost the whole store, and she says no to all of the shirts. Bored and annoyed, the husband finally goes up to the shirt she likes and generously "Fine, do you want this polo shirt?" The wife thinks for a few seconds and says "Oh, it's Apollo shirt? In that case no, I'm really not into mythology."

A blond finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do in his exam; he replied, "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK!"

Remove seven letters from this grid to leave two numbers. S F E V E I N L V E T E T F E R O S U R Simply remove 'SEVEN LETTERS' and you are left with FIVE and FOUR: - F - - - I - - V - - E - F - - O - U R

During a recent expedition, three intrepid adventurers were left stranded in the middle of the desert with only a crate full of apples. During the night, Alan woke up and decided to hide his share of the apples, one-third, then promptly fell asleep again. Brian woke up shortly after and also decided to hide a third of the remaining apples and he also dozed back to sleep. Finally, Charlie woke up and seeing the others were asleep, took a third of what was left. Of course none of the adventurers knew of the other's antics, so, in the morning, they shared the remaining apples, each receiving sixteen. How many apples were in the crate originally?