A mom, Bri, and a son, Jorge, were eating dinner at the dinner table. Jorge pushes his plate away and says, "I'm done." Bri glances at Jorge's plate and notices he still has a pile of peas on it, "No you don't. Not untill you eat all of your food." "I don't like peas." "They are not peas they are green M&M's but the trick is you can't taste the candy untill you swallow them." Jorge gets excited and sticks a spoon full of peas in his mouth. Then he grabs his glass of milk and takes a drink. Jorge says, "your right mom they do taste like M&M's. Why don't you try?" "Who do you think you're kidding?," replies Bri and gives Jorge a sly look. "Who do YOU think you're kidding?," Jorg

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lisp. She couldn't pronounce her c's or s's so she would just leave them out. One day she was going to the bathroom and started singing "I've Got Peace Like a River."

Don't think of yourself as a zero, think of yourself as the number below one.

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt. Just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?" Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel."

Jack and Joe are in a diner where there's a computer who gives advice to the people in the diner. Jack starts talking about how the two are going to graduate from high school when a young boy walks in. He explains his problem to the computer, which gladly offers him advice. The boy walks out happily. The computer comes over to Jack and Joe. Joe asks, "Hey, how come you never help us with our problems?" The computer answers, "I'm just a computer. I'm not a miracle maker."

Saint Peter asked the new arrival, "And what bad things did you do while you were on Earth?" The man thought a moment. "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale, and I had some extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't technically have "sexual relations". I lied some, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I never committed perjury." Saint Peter looked concerned. "Okay, here's the deal," said Saint Peter. "We'll send you someplace very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there for an indefinite time, but we won't call it 'eternity,' and you don't need to 'abandon all hope' upon entering, but don

Teacher: John, where are the Great Plains? John: At the airport.

The town of Chelm decided to build a new synagogue. So, some strong, able-bodied men were sent to a mountaintop to gather heavy stones for the foundation. The men put the stones on their shoulders and trudged down the mountain to the town below. When they arrived, the town constable yelled, "Foolish men! You should have rolled the stones down the mountain!" The men agreed this was an excellent idea. So they turned around, and with the stones still on their shoulders, trudged back up the mountain, and rolled the stones back down again.

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are having lunch in a restaurant. The priest's food arrives, a scrumptious-looking ham entrée. The priest attacks his lunch, savouring every bite of the ham. Noticing the rabbi eyeing him, he asks, "So tell me, Rabbi Goldblum, have you ever had any pork before?" The rabbi hesitates. "Well, it's not for me to say..." The priest pushes on. "Oh, c'mon, Rabbi. We're both men of God here. We can tell each other our sins. Nothing to it." "Umm... well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did have pork once." Smugly the priest teases him, "And a fine meat it was, wasn't it? Heheh." "Yeah, I'll say." A few moments pass. The rabbi asks the priest: "Tell me Father, have you ever

An old Armenian is on his deathbed: "My children, remember to defend the Jews." "Why Jews?" "Because if they are gone, we will be next."

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile . . . 1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 4. No one knows your secret place. 5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world." 6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the fac