Good Ev'nin America! I, George Dubya Bush, confess that I wrote the Shakespeare plays. First of all, I'm very intellentifull. I didn't mean to confusinate you, but I'm just that smart. Do not misunderestimate me because I can't prononunce n-n-n-uclar -you know what I mean. Shakespeare was in my axis of evil, so I wrote the plays. I mean, who would write plays like "A Homedy of Terrors, Nothing to Say about Something, The Naming of my Poo, Porklet, and A Late Winter's Ice Cream?" I must also give credit to my Secretary of State, Donald Rumpelstiltskin for playing an interceptun on my fumble.

In Fahrenheits... 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don't start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don't start 0 Alaskans put on T-shi

A dumb blonde, smart blonde, santa clause, and the tooth fairy are walking on the sidewalk together. One of them steps on a five dollar bill. Who picks it up? Answer no one!! three of them don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Ex

1970: Wore long hair 2001: Longing for hair 1970: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high. 2001: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Finding a friend to split the price of a keg. 2001: Finding a friend to take me to have an EKG. 1970: Sitting through sessions of Acid Rock. 2001: Sitting through sessions of Acid Reflux. 1970: Thinking of moving to a real kool place. 2001: Thinking of moving to a real warm place. 1970: News stories of people growing pot. 2001: The reality of growing a pot belly. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my mother and sister. 2001: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my grown children. 1970: Trying to lo

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. You

Q: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.

Knock Knock Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acidently on purpose!

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.

I almost got fired for telling this joke at work: Do you know why fireman have bigger balls than policeman? They sell more tickets!

How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?

So I have this great knock knock joke for you! Knock Knock Who's there? Hello? Hello who? Hello? Hello who!!? Oh Hi? Hey, I have this great knock knock joke for you! Okay knock knock. Who's there? Hello? Who's there!!!!!!?? The door slams. Knock knock. Ding Dong. Fine. Hello? Hello? Hello!!!? *peacecylone*