Scientists gathered three musicians together and asked them to name the greatest invention of the 20th century. The guitarist said the "wah-wah pedal" was the greatest invention. After that, they asked the drummer and he said the "bass pedal" was the greatest invention. Then finally, when asking the bass player, he said the "Stanley thermos" was the greatest invention. Confused, they asked him how he figured that, and he said: "Hot or cold how does it know, HOW DOES IT KNOW!?!?!?!"

An elementary school teacher asked her students to write a truthful report on what they would do if they had a million dollars. There was only one student who recieved an A, and the rest failed for lying. This was the paper with the A: Johnny ...

I am sure everyone has heard the saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Well, I have improved on this saying so that it applies to my life, and here it is. "If it ain't broke, it ain't ours!"

Abortion - Near Life Experience Bald - Follically liberated Blind - Photonically non-receptive Bum - Displaced homeowner Cannibalism - Intra-Species dining Censorship - Selective speech Cheating (Marriage) - Post-Marital Affairs Cheating (School) - Academic Dishonesty Clumsy - Uniquely coordinated Corpse - Permanently static post-human mass Cowboys - Bovine control officers Crime Rate - Street activity index Dead - Living impaired Deaf - Visually oriented Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Dish Washer - Utensil Sanitizer Fat - Person of substance Gas Station Attendant - Petroleum Transfer Technician Hunter - Meat Mercenary Idiot - Factually Unencumbered Insane Person - Selectively Perceptive Midget

I'll tell ya later.

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he li

Do you know why single women can't fart? Because they don't get assholes untill they get married.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and the family included Senators and Wall Street Wizards. The family decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. So the family hired a fine author to put together all their research notes, only a problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, for he could handle the story tactfully. So the book appeared and it said... "Great Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and hi

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure. Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game. How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. What's the best way to force a man to do situps? Put the remote control between his toes. How do you get a man to stop bit

So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf in London, towards the end of the movie... Anyhow, he goes into this bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me." The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?" "A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble." "Coming right up, sir." The bartender pours the dri

The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was exhausted. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a bre