A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted. During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it. When he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window. However, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get

How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!

Your Mama's so fat when she went to a hotel she asked for a water bed and they just covered up the pool with a blanket and said no divers.

The closest you've ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle!

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Mr Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

A man was taking a walk around town one day and he passed a sign saying 'Talking dog for sale $5'. He thought it was a scam, but he went to see what was up anyway. When he got to the porch a dog came up to him. Deciding to be a smart aleck, he asked the dog if it could talk. The dog said, "Yes, I can. I am the one mentioned in the sign. You can go inside and talk to my owner if you want to buy me." The man asked, "How come you can talk?" The dog answered, "I was a secret CIA experiment. They altered my genes and I used to be a covert agent. I led to many gang busts and stopped a lot of assassination attempts. Once they learned I told my owner about the cases, they kicked me out and now

You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted.

PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough." DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled." PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?" DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."

Vegetable: "Hey, lets get married." Fruit: "I'm sorry." Vegetable: "We could secretly get married." Fruit: "No, we couldn't." Vegetable: "Why?" Fruit: "Because we can't elope." Can't elope = cantelope

Knock-Knock. Who's There? Cargo. Cargo Who? Car Go "Beep, Beep!"

1st woman: I took my son to the zoo yesterday. 2nd woman: Did they accept him?

Your mama is so fat, a giant mistook her for a bowling ball!