If the most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle!"... you might be a redneck.

What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on vacation? "GO SCREW YOURSELF!"

Q: What do you do when your nose goes on strike? A: Pick it.

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chi

Q: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do you care?

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones... The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. Gogh The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh The cousin who was a blues musician- Indi-Gogh The fruity brother- Man-Gogh The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go Gogh The real obnoxious brother .......... Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta Gogh The uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N Gogh His dizzy aunt ............. Verti Gogh The cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah Gogh His magician uncle .............. Wherediddy Gogh The cousin who lived in Me

Say this out loud: this is a cat is is a cat how is a cat to is a cat keep is a cat a is a cat dumbass is a cat busy is a cat for is a cat forty is a cat seconds is a cat * * * * * * * * * * * * * now read only the first word of each line!! THIS is a cat IS is a cat HOW is a cat TO is a cat KEEP is a cat A is a cat DUMBASS is a cat BUSY is a cat FOR is a cat FORTY is a cat SECONDS is a cat

Here are some things learned in MY lifetime: 1) If you want something very bad and your parents won't let you, give them a lower lip, blink your eyes really fast, and say please 3,000 times until they crack. 2) NEVER ask your dad about Shakespeare or Math homework, unless you want a 5 hour lecture. 3) NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS unless if they have free candy and aren't Michael Jackson. 4) If anyone bullies you, just laugh and think, "MAN!, I can't wait for them to be dead." 5) If you do succeed in something, dont brag, just gloat. 6) When things look bad, give them to the homeless. 7) When you're in a fist fight, ALWAYS KNEE THEM IN THE FAMILY JEWELS then run away until it's De

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Knock,knock.... Who's there? Fortification. Fortification who? Fortification, we're going to Miami. --------------------------------------------- Knock,knock.... Who's there? Carl. Carl who? Carl get you there faster than a bike. -----------------------------------------------

Knock, Knock Who's there? Ya Ya - who? I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!