Popular Jokes
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos -- you never know what's going to burn your butt.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the "whooshing" sound they make as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6) Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The mill
A man arrives at his laywer's funeral and and was very dismayed by the presence of this one person. He turns to the people around him. 'Why are you all at this man's funeral?' A man turns towards him and says, 'We're all clients.'
'And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.'
'Huh? No, we came to make sure he was dead.'
There was a couple doing yard work, and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. The husband is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye (I), points to his knee (need) and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells, confused. So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods as if she understands and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her bum and then rubs her crotch.
Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?"
She answered, "I said, 'Eye, left ti
Q: What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
A: A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.
Q: What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
A: A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.
A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized, shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the gi
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.
"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
"We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother, and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
"This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
"But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. T
A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted.
During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it.
When he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window.
However, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get
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