A blonde and a brunette have been fighting for over an hour about the sun. The brunette yells,"THE SUN IS A STAR!!!" The blonde yells,"NO IT'S EVERYONE IN THE WORLD'S FARTS!" The brunette says to the blonde,"Girl, you couldn't play any stupider!" Shocked, the blonde says in reply,"Who's playing?"

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure. Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game. How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. What's the best way to force a man to do situps? Put the remote control between his toes. How do you get a man to stop bit

Yo momma's so fat that her roller blades went flat.

So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf in London, towards the end of the movie... Anyhow, he goes into this bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me." The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?" "A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble." "Coming right up, sir." The bartender pours the dri

The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day? She has her tampon behind her ear and she cant find her pencil!

The gas station was located on a main highway leading to the beach so the pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to fill up. When a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants. "Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?" Wearily, the driver relied, "Yes, they are all mine, and it is NO picnic!"

Abraham wanted to put Windows Vista on his computer, but Isaac was concerned: "But father, we don't have enough memory for that!" "Don't worry, son, God will provide the RAM."

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What, are you crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

How did the parasite cross the road? It hopped on the chicken!

A boy was working on circumferences for homework when his mother came in and said, "Do you want some pie?" The boy replied, "Sure." So the mother was saying "3.141592..." over and over and then said, "Want some ratio?"

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hid