You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. You

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

Q: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.

What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse on vacation.

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones... The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. Gogh The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh The cousin who was a blues musician- Indi-Gogh The fruity brother- Man-Gogh The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go Gogh The real obnoxious brother .......... Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta Gogh The uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N Gogh His dizzy aunt ............. Verti Gogh The cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah Gogh His magician uncle .............. Wherediddy Gogh The cousin who lived in Me

How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Pull down their genes.

Here are some things learned in MY lifetime: 1) If you want something very bad and your parents won't let you, give them a lower lip, blink your eyes really fast, and say please 3,000 times until they crack. 2) NEVER ask your dad about Shakespeare or Math homework, unless you want a 5 hour lecture. 3) NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS unless if they have free candy and aren't Michael Jackson. 4) If anyone bullies you, just laugh and think, "MAN!, I can't wait for them to be dead." 5) If you do succeed in something, dont brag, just gloat. 6) When things look bad, give them to the homeless. 7) When you're in a fist fight, ALWAYS KNEE THEM IN THE FAMILY JEWELS then run away until it's De

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Knock,knock.... Who's there? Fortification. Fortification who? Fortification, we're going to Miami. --------------------------------------------- Knock,knock.... Who's there? Carl. Carl who? Carl get you there faster than a bike. -----------------------------------------------

Knock, Knock Who's there? Ya Ya - who? I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!

What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.

Two contracters were building a house. While they were sawing a board, the saw slipped and cut of one of the contracter's ears off. They were looking through the sawdust and one contracter came up with the ear. He asked his co-worker, "Is this it?" The other one said "No, mine had a pencil behind it!"