Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. ''Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' ''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.

A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him. To the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking. The bartender goes over to him and says, "What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass." The man replies, "No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look." The bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, "wow, that's impressive." Then goes back to work. 10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

A man asked people for fifty-thousand dollars for his talking dog. He brings him into the bar, but the bartender doesn't believe the dog can talk so the guy asks the dog, "What's the opposite of smooth?" The dog says, "Rough." And then the guy asks the dog, "What's the part of the house that has the chimney sticking out of it?" "Roof." "And who was the great homerun hitter in the twenties and thirties?" "Ruth!" The bartender says, "You big fake, get that dog out of here." So the guy and his dog go outside. Then the dog says, "What was I supposed to say? Mel Ott?"

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" her mom asked. "Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone. "But, honey," the mother countered, "What four-letter words?" "I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tel

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. 2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM DOG!! 3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!! 4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. EXACTLY whose walk is this anyway? 5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..........stop it. 6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy the carpet? 7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet. 8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself

Heard over the hospital public address system: Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.