Time may fly, but does it have wings?

Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents. "My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had." "Why?" "Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it."

A guy was having trouble with his cat. His cat would always scratch the sofa but never the scratching post. One day the guy got an idea; he bought a new couch and replaced the scratching post with the old couch hoping this would solve his problem, but his cat just began scratching the new sofa. Then another idea hit him - he got some clay and got to work. Scratching post - $57 New sofa - $299 Clay - $9 Understanding your cat likes to scratch your face more than he likes to scratch the couch - priceless.

What part of music is the part you'd better not try to sing? Refrain!

Can you decipher this phrase? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2 Mistletoe! (Miss L two.)

1st Stage (0-8)- You believe in Santa 2nd Stage (9-26)- You don't believe in Santa 3rd Stage (27-45)- You are Santa 4th Stage (46-80)- You look like Santa

I heard you tried to apply to work at a candy store. But they turned you down saying they already had enough air heads. Were you fat when you were born? Cause i think it all went straight to your head. Most people think outside the box. You still haven't figured out how to get in.

Dick Hurtz (Yeah, we heard ya.) Dick Assman (I wish that last name was superhero name.) Teola doing the Hula to Hawaii (The New Zealand girl who had that name got rid of it in court.) Rusty Kuntz (Ouch.) A. Fucks (Sorry forgot the first name.) (A Brazilian soccer player's name.)

You've Got The Wrong(est) Number (Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school's number.) Me: "Thank you for calling. How may I help you?" Customer: "How much for my daughter?" Me: "Um..." Customer: "She's 16. It's her first time. She needs training." Me: "Sir, I think you want the driving school." Customer: "Oh, what do you guys do?" Me: "Adult websites." Customer: "Oh...OH! Oh my God!"

1. Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America . . . do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America . . . do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America .

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!"