THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night

If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish... He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.

Yo mama's so funky, they closed the beaches for a week after she drained her bath water.

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go huntin'?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

One day there is a well-educated man sitting in a redneck bar reading a book. A Redneck happens to wander over to him and asks, "Whatcha there reading Mister?" The educated man replies, "It's a book about logic". Confused, the redneck replies "Logic? What's logic?" The educated man explains to the man, "Logic is the ability to come to a conclusion knowing only one fact. For example, do you own a weed whacker?" The Redneck shouts, "Hell yeah I own a weed whacker!" So the educated man continues, "Well, if you have a weed whacker, and I know you have a weed whacker, I know you have a lawn. If I know you have a lawn I know you have a house. If you have a house, demographically speaking I ca

A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chi

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer. "Keyboard" -- 1. Place to hang your truck keys. 2. Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em. "Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns. "Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip. "Modem" -- 1. How you got rid of your dandelions. 2. What you did to da hay fields last July. (from NetDummy Humor) "ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. "Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase. "Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff. "Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line. "

How do spell mousetrap with only three letters? C-A-T

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy' and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the rabbi. "Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty." "It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours

Yo Momma is so fat the other day she was late to work and her stomach was an hour early.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insid