How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day? She has her tampon behind her ear and she cant find her pencil!

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar.

When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him. "Don't look so surprised," said the dog, "after all, this is part of my job." "This is amazing!" exclaimed the salesman. "I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!" "No, no," the dog pleaded, "don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too."

Are Dogs Welcome? A man wrote a letter to a small hotel located in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is very well behaved and well groomed. I would like to know if I would be permitted to keep him in my room with me at night." The hotel owner sent a reply immediately, which said, "I have been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I have never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or anything else. I have never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, nor have I ever had a dog run out on a hotel bill. "Yes, indeed," continued his reply, "your dog is

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."

Abraham wanted to put Windows Vista on his computer, but Isaac was concerned: "But father, we don't have enough memory for that!" "Don't worry, son, God will provide the RAM."

What does the dentist of the year get? ..A little plaque.

Your phone's network is changing plan. The uglier you are the cheaper your calls. From now on all your calls will be free.

How did the parasite cross the road? It hopped on the chicken!

A boy was working on circumferences for homework when his mother came in and said, "Do you want some pie?" The boy replied, "Sure." So the mother was saying "3.141592..." over and over and then said, "Want some ratio?"

A gentleman came into work one day and he and I felt one of those instant and mutual attractions to one another. He gave me his card and told me to call him. Well, it just so happened that his card had his home address on it, so I thought I would just check out his place to scope out the merchandise, so to speak. Driving down his street, I slowed down to a near-crawl and hung my head out the window, looking for his house number. The house number proved to be irrelevant, though, when I looked up and saw him standing on his porch, waving at me! There I was with my head hanging out and my mouth wide open, looking like some kind of stalker! Needless to say, I did not wave back to him (I floored

Teacher: Jackie, please use the word "climate" in a sentence please. Jackie: Sure, I have a cherry tree in my backyard, but my parents won't let me "climate" Teacher: That's correct! Teacher: Now, Luis use the word "arrest" in a sentence. Luis: Sure, after running a mile I need "arrest"