A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today John asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour b

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, "Chief, is this coming winter going to be mild or cold?" Not really knowing an answer, and knowing it was better to err on the side of caution, the chief replied, "It is uncertain at this time, but we should begin to prepare just in case. Collect wood as if it is going to be cold, and I'll see what more I can learn." Being a good leader, he then went to the phone and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be mild or cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later, he again cal

Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!" Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?" Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here - you shouldn't put all of you

A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?" she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move!"

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. Skinny people say things like "You know sometimes I forget to eat!" Now,I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but didn't care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigoro

Two little boys were looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer day. Their dad wouldn't let them play in the sprinkler because he was mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and cool without getting into trouble. They sat on the curb brainstorming the solution, when suddenly one of them jumped up and declared, "I know! Let's get baptized!" Well, both boys had seen enough to know that you can get wet at a baptism, so they trotted on down to the church on the corner and told the pastor they wanted to get baptized. The irritated pastor finally relented after about 10 minutes of begging, and he finally dragged the boys to the men's room and dunked them both head fi

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a local Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a l

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

A guy stopped at a local gas station. After filling his gas tank, hepaid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the soft drink can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the workmen. "Hold it, hold it,"he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on her

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.? "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.? "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the