Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Ulaiy (A-lie). After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!", he said enthusiastically. "Why are you going to have that?" asked his friend. "Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see... 'Here Lies The Body of an Honest Lawyer', they'll say "Yeah, that's Ulaiy".

In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

1.Your richest relative buys an "expensive" house and you have to help take the wheels off of it. 2.You refer to the sixth grade as graduation. 3.Your wife's new hairdo gets destroyed by the ceiling fan. 4.Your front porch collapses and hurts more than three dogs.

Steve was in a terrible accident at work; however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. Because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business, and, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting, but

1. It is the new hip thing to rot your teeth. 2. They are highly non-nutritous. 3. In case of weak teeth, just bite into the hard candy. 4. For absolutely no good reason. 5. Makes you sick so that you do not have to go to school. 6. To get hyperactive so that you are not sleepy when you get out of bed. 7. Because the candy is saying, "Eat me!!!" 8. Because your tummy is growling and you think it is annoying. 9. In case you got an urge to suck on something. 10. Because the noises that the candy makes when it bangs against your teeth makes a relaxing sound for the mind.

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today John asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour b

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, "Chief, is this coming winter going to be mild or cold?" Not really knowing an answer, and knowing it was better to err on the side of caution, the chief replied, "It is uncertain at this time, but we should begin to prepare just in case. Collect wood as if it is going to be cold, and I'll see what more I can learn." Being a good leader, he then went to the phone and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be mild or cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later, he again cal

Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!" Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?" Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here - you shouldn't put all of you

A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?" she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move!"

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. Skinny people say things like "You know sometimes I forget to eat!" Now,I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but didn't care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigoro