This is off a Coast Guard bumper sticker: Support Search and Rescue: GET LOST!

Knock-knock Who's there? Joe Joe who? Jo mama

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." "I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." "I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable." "I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week." The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of t

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph, with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a

Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?

Little Johnny was on a plane when the stranger in the next seat said, "Let's talk. Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" The stranger said, "How about nuclear power?" Johnny said, "That could be interesting. But first, I have a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same thing, grass. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow excretes a flat patty, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger said, "I have no idea." Johnny said, "Well, then, why do you feel qualifi

- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you. - No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. - Friendly fire ain't. - The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. - The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already had it mined. - The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. - Incoming fire has the right of way. - If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. - If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. - The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. - Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out

Knock Knock! Who's there? Yo da lay he. Yo da lay he who? I didn't know you could yodel!

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They have spelt MACY'S wrong!"

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other.