BOB- We were learning about fractions today in math class. JOE- Oh, really? What did you learn? BOB- One half of what I was supposed to!

Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and

Did you know in 1923, the following men were considered some of the world's most successful men . . . at least they found the secret of making money. Whereas, in 1987, more than 60 yrs. later, do you know what became of these men? The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. The president of the largest gas company, Howard Hopson, went insane. The president of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad insolvent. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself and the greatest bear on Wall Street, Casabee Rivermore, died by suicide. The sam

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. You

How do you know Adam wasnt black? Have you ever tried to take a rib away from a black man? How do you know when Mexicans are illegal? When you scream "La Migra", and everybody is gone in less than a minute. How do you know when a white guy's family is really white? When he tries to be black or mexican.

How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Pull down their genes.

Once upon a time, and unfortunate event took place, in which a ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere: A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman B. 2 French men and 1 French woman C. 2 German men and 1 German woman D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman G. 2 American men and 1 American woman H 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed: A. One Italian man killed the

Say this out loud: this is a cat is is a cat how is a cat to is a cat keep is a cat a is a cat dumbass is a cat busy is a cat for is a cat forty is a cat seconds is a cat * * * * * * * * * * * * * now read only the first word of each line!! THIS is a cat IS is a cat HOW is a cat TO is a cat KEEP is a cat A is a cat DUMBASS is a cat BUSY is a cat FOR is a cat FORTY is a cat SECONDS is a cat

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.

The cat was chasing the rooster around on the farm, then the cat fell in the water and the rooster laughed. Lesson: For every wet pussy there is a happy cock

How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?