A minister told his friend Rabbi Goldman, "Last night, I dreamed of the Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people — running, playing, talking, sitting — doing all sorts of things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up." The rabbi said, "Really? Last night, I dreamed of the Protestant Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up." "And how did the people behave?" asked the minister. "What people?"

Why does a chicken cross the street? Because it wants to get on the other side!

Why does a duck cross the street? Because it was the chicken's and turkey's day off.

Why was the diver angry at the diving board? Because it flipped him off.

So I asked a religious truck driver what his CB handle is. His answer: "My handle's 'Messiah'." (Get it? Sounds like "Handel's Messiah.")

One evening, on her first date, a blond went to an amusement park with her boyfriend. After they went on the roundabout, the boy said, "What do you want to do next?" The girl said, "I want to be weighed." So he weighed the blond on a guess the weight game. Then they went on the roller coaster, and afterwards the boy said, "What do you want to do next?" The girl said, "I want to be weighed." So he weighed the blond again, and she weighed the same, so he took her home. When she got home, she flumped on the couch and her mother said, "How was the date?" The blond said, "Weewy Weewy Wousy."

A man walks into a bar and a drunk is sitting there mumbling something quietly. Curious the man takes the seat next to him. The drunk is mumbling, "Looks like plastic, feels like rubber." While looking at something in his hand. The man asks the drunk if he may see what he means. The man feels the object and says, "It does look like plastic and feels like rubber. Where did you get it?" The drunk replies, "From my nose."

Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Knock knock. Who's there? Someone too short to ring the doorbell.

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. "My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!" "My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!" "My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock." "Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL bo

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, a

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died." "Well then, just give me my money back." "I can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK then, just unload the donkey." "What ya gonna do with em." "I'm gonna raffle him off." "Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of