What do you call an intelligent, good looking man? A: A rumor!

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps "CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop. "IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal "A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of preventative maintenance "IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual "TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." -Infantry Jo

You are a legal heir to a fireworks stand.

I am sure everyone has heard the saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Well, I have improved on this saying so that it applies to my life, and here it is. "If it ain't broke, it ain't ours!"

You're so covered in dirt that if you wanted to eat a tootsie roll, you'd have to wear white gloves to keep from biting your finger!

Bloke stayed up all night, wondering where the sun had gone; then it dawned on him.

There was a newlywed couple on their honeymoon in Antarctica. The bride asks her husband to gather berries; the husband asked, "Why do you want berries; we are in Antartica?" She replied with, "I was just wondering if you would and if your penis shriveled, because my nipples are hard and if your penis does shrivel, I can heat it up in my vagina when you got back." The husband ran out looking for berries. When he came back she asked, "What took you so long?" He then said, "Can we fuck now or what?" She said as long as you're not frost bit." So they went up to their room and started kissing furiously; the next thing he knew, she was giving him the greatest head he had ever gotten. Then he laid

Two elderly priests and a young novitiate were at the railway station to buy train tickets to Pittsburgh. The young lady selling tickets was very pretty, and was wearing a rather low-cut dress which showed her ample mammaries to great advantage. The novitiate approached the ticket booth and said, "Three tickets to Tittsville, please." "How dare you?" remonstrated the ticket seller. The young novitiate blushes and retires in confusion, so one of the priests says, "Allow me. Three pickets to Tittsburgh, and please may I have the change in nipples an dimes." He also retreats in embarrasment, so the eldest priest attempts to calm the now angry ticket seller. "Three tickets to Pittsburgh, pl

There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks. A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God." A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God."

What did the mama broom say to the little broom? Go to sweep little one.

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

One day a man was walking down the road and saw the priest also walking. Since he knows the priest usually rides a bike he asks where it is. "Well, I woke up this morning and couldn't find it," he replies. "Oh. Well, here is an idea. When you go over the Ten Commandments in your sermon this morning, bear down real hard on Thou shall not steal. Then, whoever took it will feel guilty and give it back." "Great idea!" Well, that afternoon the man sees the priest riding his bike. "I see they gave it back to you. I knew my idea would work!" he says. "Well, actually I went through the Ten Commandments like you said, but when I got to Thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left m