You might be a redneck if... The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

A gentleman came into work one day and he and I felt one of those instant and mutual attractions to one another. He gave me his card and told me to call him. Well, it just so happened that his card had his home address on it, so I thought I would just check out his place to scope out the merchandise, so to speak. Driving down his street, I slowed down to a near-crawl and hung my head out the window, looking for his house number. The house number proved to be irrelevant, though, when I looked up and saw him standing on his porch, waving at me! There I was with my head hanging out and my mouth wide open, looking like some kind of stalker! Needless to say, I did not wave back to him (I floored

Now here's a classic joke that's been told by many kids, that should be very well known . . . anyway, after you read this, it's funny to try it on someone After every statement, say, "Behind the rock" 1. Billy went 2. He took off his shoes 3. He took off his socks 4. He took off his shirt 5. He took off his pants 6. He took off his undies 7. He made out with someone 8. Where were you?

Henry: Oh my enemies makes me so mad I want to kill them! Phil: I can help you with that. Henry: How? Phil: First, go to the internet cafe. When you are already using the computer make a folder and name it "Your Enemies". After that, delete the folder. Go to the recycle bin and delete the folder again. It should say "Do you really want to delete "Your Enemies"?". Click yes. Now you don't have your enemies any more. They're deleted out of this world. There's no way you can get them back unless you create them. Henry: Oh! Now I can get rid of them; but what if I decide to create them again? How can I create them again? Phil: There's no way you can create them again, Henry. To create them,

In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are "banana machines". You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out!

Why was the diver angry at the diving board? Because it flipped him off.

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned, so he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease; however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone, so this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. The guy has the surgery only to find

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man's face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway. ''What do you want?'' he asked. ''Do you have any tobacco?'' asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away. ''Go faster!'' said the passenger. ''I don't want to see him again!'' So the driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window

Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. "My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!" "My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!" "My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock." "Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL bo

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our