1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it. 2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else a

Yo Mama's so ugly not even the tide would take her out.

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do. Every day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night!

A doctor goes into a sanitarium one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor. He asks them what they are doing, and they all answer "We're diving into the pool". Only one of them sits aside watching them. "I see you're not diving into the pool" the doctor says. The patient replies "I'm the lifeguard."

Grow some dope... plant a man.

A really really drunk man stumbled out of a local bar and right into the nun. Quickly the man punched the nun right in the face. Stunned the nun tried to run away, but the drunk just ran after her and pushed her to the ground. The drunk then proceeded to kick the nun repeatedly until the nun was begging for mercy. The drunk leans down and looks at the nun and says, "Not so tough now, eh Batman?"

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The

Yo Momma is so dumb she had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. "We've started something new," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers." "Lawyers?" questioned her colleague. "But we've always used rats." "Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats."

Yo mama is so fat, your family photos have to be shot from a plane.

One day, I went to the shooting gallery at the fair, one with the smiling clowns. I aimed and fired. Imagine my reaction when the target started yelling obscenities and charged. "WOW! These fairs are really getting high-tech," I thought. Just to impress the girls watching, I held my ground and continued firing. Pretty soon, he lost all of his teeth, but he still kept coming. And that was some realistic blood! I aimed up at the forehead, and the target dropped like a rock. A security guard walked up to me and said, "How do you feel? You just killed a carnie, you sicko!" "Wow, real carnival people!" I said, "I gotta get some of those for my shotgun at home! Carnies are cheaper than paper tar