Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After few moments it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head, "No." "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head, "NO" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her th

A man walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a beer. The whole bar is looking at the man curiously as he sits down. The bartender looks at his nice suit and tie and asks him if he's from around here. The man replies, "No sir, I'm from Pennslyvania." The bartender asks the man what he does for a living up in Pennyslyvania. The man replies, "I am a Taxidermist." The bartender slowly asks, "What is a Taxidermist?" The man answers back, "Oh, I just mount animals." The bartender grins wide and yells to the whole bar, "It's OK Boys!! He's one of us!"

Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his buddies to complete a foursome. His buddies ask him if his friend can play golf. Dick says that he is very good. This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer." Dick says "Yes, he is watch him play." They see the ball come out of the bush on the green. This guy takes two putts to make par. Second hole is par 3. This guy hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies looks at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good" Dick replies that this guy was a great player. So the guy walks into the the lake. Three minutes later they can't see the guy. All of a

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph, with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." 3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 5. Hand me that...uh...that uh...that thingy there. 6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex? 7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? 8. There go the lights again? 9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy's got two of 'em." 10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration. 12. What's this doing here? 13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 14. That's cool

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They have spelt MACY'S wrong!"

A small boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepp

Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant. Said the first man "I'm going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me." "That's nothing," replies the second man to the first, "I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager."

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she repeats, "...I would do...*anything*." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "*Anything*." His voice softens. "*Anything*??" "*Anything*." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol; At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter, For the road to Hell is paved with butter And cake is cursed and cream is awful And Satan is hiding in every waffle. Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, And Lucifer is a lollipop, Teach me the evils of hollandaise Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise; And crisp fried chicken from the south Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said "No way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ." Well, she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married, to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said "I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy," so he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. The confused father asked "Where is your sister?" They replied "We were almost there Dad, but we got to this overpass with a sign that said 'Clarence 13'6'' so we turned around and drove

Girls are in the shower for at least an hour. Incredibly guys can take a shower in 5 minutes. Very beautiful girls are seldom intelligent. Even blond guys have some brains. Married women marry hoping their guy will change. Every man marries hoping their wife wont change. Pretty girls can usually get what they want. Unlike good looking guys who still have to suffer. Some girls are actually great relationship material. Some guys cant find those girls.