Seems Paris Hilton is having visits from a speech therapist - she's having trouble finishing a sentence!

All members of Mensa have I.Q.s of at least 140. At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was the marvellous Mensa mystery! They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains s

... you have an above-ground pool and you fish in it.

The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply." A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

The teacher asks his students to spell the word "before". The first kid tries: "B-E-F-O-H-R." "No", says the teacher, "that's wrong!" Another kid: "B-E-E-F-O-R." "No, no," says the teacher. "Anybody else?" A little boy raises his hand: "B-E-F-O-R-E!" "Now, that's right!" beams the teacher. "Now, Washington, use this word 'before' in a sentence!" and the boy goes: "Two plus two BE FOUR!"

One day a man having conversation with God, when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there was only one set of footprints. He asked God, "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life?" God replied, "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you. You see only one set of footprints because, during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you."

A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat, and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free - but then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon, so he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with t

A blonde girl comes into her dad's room and tells her dad... Amanda: Dad, I'm glad you named me Amanda. Dad: Why? Amanda: It's because that's what everyone calls me!

Peter decided to walk to the local waterfall, 10 miles away. At the moment he started, his dog ran off from his side and proceeded to the waterfall at a constant 8 miles per hour. As soon as the dog reached the waterfall, it started the return journey to Peter, keeping to the same speed. The dog continued this odd behaviour until Peter reached the waterfall. If Peter kept to a constant 4 miles per hour, how far did the dog run in total? 20 miles: Peter took 2.5 hours to reach the waterfall. The dog was always running at 8 miles per hour, therefore it ran 20 miles.

Now here's a classic joke that's been told by many kids, that should be very well known . . . anyway, after you read this, it's funny to try it on someone After every statement, say, "Behind the rock" 1. Billy went 2. He took off his shoes 3. He took off his socks 4. He took off his shirt 5. He took off his pants 6. He took off his undies 7. He made out with someone 8. Where were you?

Bernie has been ill for some months and then suddenly dies. As is the custom, his wife Sadie puts an advert in the 'deaths' section of the Chronicle, but this advert is slightly unusual – it states that Bernie died of gonorrhoea. Immediately, a close friend of Bernie rings Sadie to complain. "Sadie," he says, "you know full well that Bernie died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea, so why did you word the advert incorrectly?" "I looked after Bernie day and night for over 3 months," replies Sadie, "so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for people to remember Bernie as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he was."

Saint Peter asked the new arrival, "And what bad things did you do while you were on Earth?" The man thought a moment. "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale, and I had some extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't technically have "sexual relations". I lied some, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I never committed perjury." Saint Peter looked concerned. "Okay, here's the deal," said Saint Peter. "We'll send you someplace very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there for an indefinite time, but we won't call it 'eternity,' and you don't need to 'abandon all hope' upon entering, but don