A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Ca

- You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. - Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. - You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. - You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. - You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. - You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. - You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. - There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was without form and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard drive. And Bill said, Let there be DOS: And there was DOS. And Bill looked upon it, and it was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple. And DOS grew and grew, until its number was legion if you counted the decimal points, and still it was good. And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and did his kingdom grow apace. But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung from the intransi

If only DEAD people understand hexadecimal, how many people understand hexadecimal? 57005.

I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.

(It's Halloween, and I'm dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.) Me: "Did you find everything you needed tonight?" Customer: "Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on." Me: "Thank you, ma'am." Customer: "But don't you think you took it a little too far?" Me: "Uh... took what too far?" Customer: "Well I understand that you're supposed to be some type of vampire, but don't you think that necklace is taking it too far?" Me: "Oh, that. That's not part of my costume, I always wear that." Customer: *loudly* "Well if you

Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!"

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I have." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. -- Robert Orben