Popular Jokes
One day a secretary noticed her boss's fly was open.
Not wanting to embarrass him, she whispers in his ear, "Your barracks are open, and your soldier is saluting at the gates."
The man, realizing what she means, decides to have some fun and says, "Do you see the colonel standing to attention?"
She whispers back, "No; all I see is a veteran sitting on his two duffel bags."
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After few moments it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head, "No." "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head, "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs
his tongue from the back of her th
A man walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a beer. The whole bar is looking at the man curiously as he sits down. The bartender looks at his nice suit and tie and asks him if he's from around here.
The man replies, "No sir, I'm from Pennslyvania."
The bartender asks the man what he does for a living up in Pennyslyvania.
The man replies, "I am a Taxidermist."
The bartender slowly asks, "What is a Taxidermist?"
The man answers back, "Oh, I just mount animals."
The bartender grins wide and yells to the whole bar, "It's OK Boys!! He's one of us!"
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6. Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10. Swim near a stranger and say, ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had water
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack an
Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his buddies to complete a foursome. His buddies ask him if his friend can play golf. Dick says that he is very good.
This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer." Dick says "Yes, he is watch him play." They see the ball come out of the bush on the green. This guy takes two putts to make par.
Second hole is par 3. This guy hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies looks at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good" Dick replies that this guy was a great player.
So the guy walks into the the lake. Three minutes later they can't see the guy. All of a
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said "Should we eat them here or take them with us?" I panicked...
Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Yo da lay he.
Yo da lay he who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
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