I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off? You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...? I'm cured?"

Yo momma so fat she jumped of the Golden Gate bridge in San Fransisco and baptised England.

Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"

I went out to buy a new television, and wanted to buy a locally-made set. The salesman showed me a set I quite liked, and he assured me it was made locally, but I saw through that - clearly printed on the box was "Built in Antenna."

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip one priest says, "Well, we've worked together for many years now, but we don't really know each other. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins to get better acquainted." They look nervously at one another, but agree. The first priest says, "Since it was my idea, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a year, I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself senseless for a few days; get it out of my system." They look at one another again, and eventually the next priest stands up. "Well, with me it's gambling. Every now and then, I nick some money from the poor box

Yo mama is so fat . . . Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo". Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama so fat we're in her right now. Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise. Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for condors. Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her . . . Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world. Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy. Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo

One day a man was walking down the road and saw the priest also walking. Since he knows the priest usually rides a bike he asks where it is. "Well, I woke up this morning and couldn't find it," he replies. "Oh. Well, here is an idea. When you go over the Ten Commandments in your sermon this morning, bear down real hard on Thou shall not steal. Then, whoever took it will feel guilty and give it back." "Great idea!" Well, that afternoon the man sees the priest riding his bike. "I see they gave it back to you. I knew my idea would work!" he says. "Well, actually I went through the Ten Commandments like you said, but when I got to Thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left m

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos there. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to sort the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fransiscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks. You didn't even see it coming, did you?

In the middle ages, the monks were only allowed to talk once every year to the priest. They were only allowed two words to say. One year, when a new monk came, the priest told him of this and the monk agreed. After the first year, the monk said in a sad voice, "Bed hard." The priest frowned at him and ushered him away. The next year the poor monk said in a sad voice, "Food cold." The priest scowled at him and told him to go away back to work. The next year the monk said in a sad voice, "Quit job." The priest suddenly shouted, "Finally! You've been here three years and all you've done is complain!"

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall."

After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your Mom.