Once in medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "Weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music. Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... an

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And wh

Found in micellaneous things. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you. I don't have a short attention span, it's just that I- Etc.:a sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. Without geography, you're nowhere. When someone tells you nothing is impossible, tell him to dribble a football. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernail. Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk. Man who drives like hell, bound to get there. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Crowded elevator smells different

yo mamma is so thin when she turns sidways she dissapears

When you were born, God admitted that even he sometimes made mistakes!

A blonde and a brunette jump off of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Who lands first? \ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are." So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." He went to the French and said, "I hav

A blonde went to see her doctor for her annual checkup so the doctor gave her the once over. At the end of the checkup he shone a light in her ear to have a look; amazed, he shook his head and walked away. See below what the doctor had seen. A big sign SPACE FOR RENT.

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I slowly took a long drink from my can of Old Milwaukee Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Oakley sunglasses and looked at this nosy ass neighbor and replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

Why did the blond cross the road? I don't know. Neither did he.

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."