1st woman: I took my son to the zoo yesterday. 2nd woman: Did they accept him?

If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And wh

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved

May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.

What's gross? Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon. What's grosser than that? Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar. What's grosser than that? When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face. You want to know what's grosser than that? When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner. But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.

I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed appoint

The best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95.

Jesus sees a woman being assaulted by an angry crowd and steps in front of her and says, "let he who hath no sin cast the first stone." From the crowd comes a rock flying at the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "Damn it mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

Q. What goes clop... clop... clop... BANG! clop clop clop clop clop clop? A. An Amish driveby

1 A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'." 2 A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?" 3 A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer popped out of the machine. She set it on the ground, put sixty more cents into th