Popular Jokes
A Cat's Guide: TRAINING YOUR HUMAN
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once the door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it.
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
GUESTS:
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies
Harassment:
The teacher asked Paco to use "harassment" in a sentence.
Paco smiles and says......... "Orale vato (homeboy)...Mi ruca (my girl) caught me in
bed with my sancha (lover), pero ( but) that's okay porque (because) I told her
that... HAR ASS MENT nothing to me."
Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. "Are you here to see Dr. Meyer?" she asked.
"Yes," the boy said. "I'm having my dog put in neutral."
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
He gave the organist a copy of the service and asked her if she could come up with some kind of inspirational music to play, after he made the announcement about the finances, to help put the congregation in a giving mood.
"Don't worry, I'll come up with something," she said.
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we find ourselves in great difficulty. The cost of the roof repairs is twice as much as we expected, and we need $4000 more. Any of you who are able to pledge $100 or more,
The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Ah - The things you see with.
Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa.
Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.
Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, coleslaw, and a fiery sauce.
Bud - Small feathered creature that flies.
Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small Southern towns.
Co-Cola - Soft drink.
Crine - Weeping.
Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in Miami.
Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light.
Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.
Everthang - All-encompassing.
Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.
Git - To acquire
A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, "Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there."
The child looked at me and said, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."
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