Boy(howling): A crab just bit my toe! Father: Which one? Boy: How should I know?!?!?! All crabs look alike to me!!

A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.

If I were to be pun-ish-ed For every little pun I shed I'd hide me to a punny shed And there I'd hang my punnish head.

When you were born, God admitted that even he sometimes made mistakes!

The Americans and the Russians had a car race, in which the car from America won. However, the report in the newspapers of Russia, read as follows – "In a recent motor race, the Russian car finished in second place, while the American car finished next to last." (There were only two cars involved!)

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall."

Two blond labourers looking for work arrive at a railway station, and ask for one-way tickets. The ticket-seller looks through his schedule, but can't find the place the blonds are seeking. "But you must be able to find it," says one. "We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy!"

Far - What get the brandin arn hot. Furred - He got furred from his job. Flar - A rose is a purdy flar. Frash - Them aigs ain't frash. Furiners - All non-'bamans. Further - Hits ten miles further to town. Grain - She was grain with envy. Hail - Where bad folks go. Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n. Hilbilly - People in the next county. Hollar – What's between the hills. Hard - Got a brend new hard. Tar - His core blew a tar. Laymun - A sour fruit. Laig - Most folks have two of them. Lather - What you climb up. Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin. Mailk - what you get from cyows. Mere - What yo

"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.

In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"

Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped... So i was falling for an hour and a half.

A blonde went to see her doctor for her annual checkup so the doctor gave her the once over. At the end of the checkup he shone a light in her ear to have a look; amazed, he shook his head and walked away. See below what the doctor had seen. A big sign SPACE FOR RENT.